Echoes...

acheron who the hell are you, scary (funny)

shehasnostringsapollo:

dradams:

its slightly scary but your tone, your almost underhanding, it reminds me of someone i once knew.

sad truth; i can have as many fantasy related ideas as i want, but you what is sick-

i love someone still, someone from my past (no, not someone gawker or some fucking other place can name- and even if they could i would never even tell- gentlemen wouldn’t” but i can say a truth

i love someone who maybe once tried to love me, but i don’t even think “liked” me

and that is what is so fucked up. i thought it meant it was legit.

because i have thing in me, that nagging voice, it’s the same one all the people who hate my jams use “fuck you ryan, you’re not good enough ryan, you’re full of shit ryan” i have equal parts that too.

everybody does. well. i won’t speak for eveybody.

but i put myself out there in my art, and i stay closed in my life, and i might as well just have called that last record EASY TARGET. because i am.

and i am a sucker for being only slightly liked. and made to suffer.

to love someone, even just in the recesses of my heart; and it’s world of tiny and massive feelings combined about all things, i know that truth

and i bet a lot of people, i bet they blow the REAL HONEST one, and that makes them a better person,

but you know,

we are the one’s who eat at the counter at christmas, and, so, thank god for good distracting novels ( i don’t celebrate xmas anyway, it’s far from my idea of a holiday actually) but….

you get the point

dream as i may sometimes i guess it’s better to just say ” i suck right now even for me, i am not enough even for me….” and you have to lay back and just take that self-punch and release those dreams. those idea’s about love.

and who am i kidding. i don’t know shit about romantic realism. i might be excessively misguided about my indulgence in letting myself be so utterly pathetic and weak when it comes to loving, and losing myself in it…..but who am i kidding….

i read comics

i have insomnia

i am moody

i am opinionated about art heavily but open to everything

sexually non-deviant

incapable of sport-fucking (terrified actually) of that kind of behavior

and worst of all

worst fucking thing of all

totally unhappy having to be the “me” behind the things i make-

because i only love making them- art-music-writing- as some self-defense mechanism of negating the importance of the moment.

and like people i read about and admired so much when i was younger and still today, people like Newton and Edison, they tried many many things- to stay alive and to keep learning….

and who would want to be around that kind of energy…..

and i’m hopelessly sentimental and i say nothing or all the wrong things socially

i just get shy and act like a goofball. it’s the new mask. less toxic- less poisonous but still, a barrier between real me, and what i have to be to continue,

but worse than that

to miss someone, even if fictionally, even now if it didn’t matter one way or the other, which it doesn’t and even of this person obviously loved someone more or maybe does, shit i wouldn’t know and would cover my ears of someone tried to tell me…….

to miss someone who couldn’t stand you and didn’t care much for your work-

that is probably the worst of it.

but i liked that.

it made me feel like Danzig. Or like, Danzig if he met a really cool nurse, who was a catholic and you know, he just couldn’t help himself/

because sometimes, and this is just sometimes….i think….it’s biological….and maybe if i just ignore it all, maybe i will be ok-

you know, just forget the whole thing about love

as a musician, in my opinion,  we’re so already put in this box of being over-sexed- and maybe it’s like that where you work too, but i see it, i see hat behavior and let me tell you, 

i wouldn’t dare abuse what little bit of some gift, some soul suggestion i have with music to try and get some kind of meaningless action. i mean, even if i have conceptualized my idea of God so far from a Catholic one, i would imagine, and if i were in that position, if i saw that happening, i would take it back. i would.

and it sucks you know, you play guitar and people assume things.

i tell you what though, it was a lonely weird ten year run in my twenties, all that confusion, and if anything, i knew i was going to be gone, away, traveling hard, working as much as possible, and i drank to be less lonely.

but i mean, i did that round a guitar a few band mates or even alone in shitty hotels smoking, fending off that darkness which comes with trading in a loneliness for a string of endless strangers and regrets, or worse, people you end up loving, but not liking all that much.

so i guess i just got back from work and this was on my mind.

but i am not saying anything here but this;

i don’t think i know myself anymore today than yesterday but MY EYES ARE WIDE FUCKING OPEN and I AM AWAKE and that is nice.

i see what i am and i feel the moment.

and everything real, it’s now.

and right now, i am okay, and i am alone, and i have as many daydreams about a life so far from this than anybody, and i guess, 

without sounding stupid

i am okay with all that, i am okay with some emptiness 

and i even don’t mind if being me, who i really am, means i keep old things

old things with meaning, 

it’s the nature of how i keep a home

and i am my only home

and so

i guess i kept a love in there too

and i don’t see anything wrong with that,

even if it i know it just sucks for me,

it also means i am a believer

and fuck man,

that’s all i ever wanted to be- wanted to be a believer

like all those bands i loved

like what it feels like to stand in front of sonic youth

and watch your hair catch metaphysical fire

a believer

like the clash

because there is plenty of hope in the truth

and 

i guess i am just one of those.

and i like it, even if it hurts a bit.

I think, though, that it is pretty hardcore awesome (punk as fuck maybe even?)  to admit the loneliness and the rest.  I really hope one day to even be this honest with myself.  And to be honest enough to share my art without worrying that now people will know how scared I am really feeling.  Or to even be able to share with friends when I am excited about seeing someone new even though they will see how happy I am and will subsequently know how unhappy I must be when the breakup happens.  If I get to that point at least I will have the solace of my own art… and knowing it is honest. I hope.

ack. i need to be napping.

Wet your lips and say my name

chimp-shitbitch-kittenscrazy:

You all either really suck at this game or you are not reading my blog.  Either way…BOO URNS.

So far, Chelsea has been the only one to guess the songs and there are still several more to guess.  It doesn’t HAVE to be cookies or fruit snacks.  I can send you a killer mixed CD/tape or something.  I am a creative motherfucker.

Well I don’t actually fuck mothers but uh, you know.

So my friend Christie called me today.  This was great because I hadn’t heard from her since my AWFUL reaction to her baby news.  I thought she would cold shoulder me for at least another month.  She hasn’t blogged in a long time (I am sure this is because her husband hates my guts but what can you do) so I was wondering about her and since I don’t have creepspace anymore, I really don’t know about her.  Well so anyway, she called me because she saw that I was reading the same book as her.  Holy shit.  I went off on this CRAZY tangent about all of my favorite books and why what they mean to me and so on.  I had to sit down because I was literally (ha Brenna remember our whole thing about literally?  lol) out of breath from talking so fast and so much and from being so excited.

I was telling her about some of my favorite books that have been turned into movies and how they just do not do the books justice.  In my office/library/wtf ever I have these amazing original movie posters in there that I paid out the ass for and had them professionally framed and all that good stuff.  One of them happens to be this MASSIVE beautiful double sided poster of Queen Of The Damned.  As I was explaining this movie/book issue to her (because holy shit that movie was NOTHING like the book.  The book was breathtaking…as they always are), I was dramatically pointing to the bookshelf which held the book and to the wall which held the poster.

It was at that moment that I realized just how nerdy and sad I am.  I stood in my office breathless from extreme excitement.  Over books.

Miss Jackson if you're nasty

So I started Miss Jackson rehearsals yesterday and she will be coming in tomorrow which I guess makes up for the dog tired work that has been riddling me with no sleep in the last couple of weeks.
It has been serious non stop madness in the most oddest of concerts I have been catering. I have been especially fortified with latin acts abound and food just everywhere, everywhere, everywhere.
I have almost never been so sick of food as I have been as of late.
It just seems to feel like factory work at times even though I don’t really know what that feels like. I suppose it’s like the do-sers in Fraggle Rock. Or however you spell it.
Non stop mutherfuckin madness no lie.
Every day has been at LEAST a 16 hour day and last Saturday was 20 hours long!
Who ever said the music business was anything short of chaos?
Or maybe it is just the catering aspect?
No; not really.
I have seen.
I even observe through the looking glass whenever I am running around in the kitchen with my head cut off like a chicken.
I watch the riggers, the lighting crew, the sound, video, production, management.
You goddamn name it & everyone is like a well oiled machine just doing their thing.
I can’t even begin to describe it but I know I saw a clip once where they shot video of a stage and crew working and it all seems pretty awesome to watch it sped up but what some people don’t realize is that process can take anywhere from 12 hours to 3 days of non stop work.
Perfect example and utter amazement really was my first big concert was at Dodgers Stadium the Rolling Stones played.
They had 3 stages.
One that was being set up in advance in the next city;
one that was being currently used in the city they played in;
and one stage being teared down for the next city after that.
Imagine 3 separate stages in 3 different cities.
And this was no ordinary stage. Each stage was so high there was a walkway for special v.i.p. so they could hang out and rooms in it & a stage that came out from underneath the main stage on wheels that drove out into the crowd while they played certain songs.
I have NEVER seen anything quite like it.
And apart from having 2 catering companies there who one cooked for local workers; the other company cooked for the band & 1,000 v.i.p. people serving a full on thanksgiving dinner and sushi etc. etc.
It was fucking endless and fun as fuck.
I cooked my ass off!
Can you imagine that picture?

So I have to get up in 5 hours cuz I just got home and I need to have at least this much sleep otherwise I am gonna keel over.
I already a, afraid to think that I might not make it through this week so everyone of my followers please pray for me in hopes that I make it till my next day off???
Whenever that may be.
I missed you Stephanie and I am glad you are back home.
Jll- I hope you are still trying to smile
Khole- I miss that you don’t follow me anymore but I still read your blog-you are wonderful anyways
Sarahgoodreau-love your BLOG. You are super awesome talented
Emma, comedowneasy, incline, newspeedway, butterfly, misterpeace, jonic, octobermoon, cirrus, dotyourmom-I love you all. My super crazy followers.
All 9 of them. You toot my horn.
D.R.A. I also missed you prolly the most-I never have words enough to say how much you astound me. I feel so much of you it is almost like we are friends or should be. I get so much of your weirdness that the scariest part is that you seem to be the most normal person I know. I love most of all that you are also the most brave little bear in the cave. You stick your neck out even in winter.
Tell JG Juli says hi. He’ll know….

Goodnight and I will be blogging any wardrobe malfunctions if need be.
Muah!!!!!

So, I got a job..

jonic:

Yesterday morning I was accepted into York St John University to do a degree in Film & Television Production..

Yesterday evening I landed my first “for reals” “come in the office and sit down and work” grown up web development job..

So, yeah.. I can’t do the degree now, but there’ll be time for that later down the line.. For now YAY JOB..

I lucked out really.. A few months ago they saw my portfolio and were impressed enough to invite me to an interview for a job I hadn’t even applied for.. I declined the offer at the time because I thought I had a job figured out, although that fell through, and by the time I went back to them I was too late..

Earlier this week they emailed me again, completely out of the blue.. This time they said they wanted to talk to me about a web development job over a pint..

I had the interview last night.. Well.. I say interview.. There were no other candidates, the job wasn’t even listed on their site, and most interviews don’t take place over six pints in one of your favorite pubs..

That aside, the biggest reason it couldn’t be called an interview is that they basically just told me when I’d be starting and what I’d be earning..

I start in October when their current guy leaves the company.. I can’t flippin’ wait :)

Anyway, that’s enough of this self-congratulatory shit.. Back to endlessly reblogging photos of staircases covered in books and that..

Lateniteriser....

jll:

Thank you.  It means alot that it’s actually been read.  And I don’t follow people because it makes my dashboard feel like a clusterfuck.  Although I only have 8 friends.  Haha.  But, I do read everyone’s blog whom follows me.  It’s appreciated!